Separated At Birth? (Iran Hostage Edition)

HAVE THE IRANIANS CAPTURED MR. SEXYBACK?

          Justin Timberlake                       R. M. Nathan Summers

An international hostage crisis is no laughing matter. Especially when the hostage takers are acting on behalf of a crazy man like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Just because the middle east seemingly teeters on the brink of war doesn’t mean we can’t take a break for a small amount of levity.

I can’t be the only one to notice the eerie resemblance between Justin Timberlake and the Royal Marine that was featured in the most recent videotaped message from the British hostages.  Can you imagine the made for TV movie featuring Mr. Timberlake, horrible fake British accent and all?  It’s too bad the female hostage doesn’t look like Britney Spears.  Otherwise, with some smart casting, we could have seen an on-screen reunion of pop music’s super couple.

  

The Results - American Idol Season 6: Round Three

AMERICA SENDS THE ‘BIG-BONED’ GUY HOME, KEEPS YOU-KNOW-WHO SAFE

At least one of the bad singers with annoying hair got to go home Wednesday night.  Chris Sligh, who started the season with such promise and a sense of humor, was sent packing after the votes were finally tallied this week.  It leads me to believe that I am not the only person that grew tired of his excuses and mediocre performances. 

American Idol Season 6: Round Three

THE IDOL HOPEFULS TACKLE ‘POP MUSIC’ WITH MIXED RESULTS

This week, I have decided to address the performances before the results are announced.  It allows me an opportunity to critique the performers without knowing whether or not the voters agreed with my assessments. Plus, it gives me something to write about on a slow Wednesday.

You will never find me listening to Gwen Stefani, or her band No Doubt, unless I have a reason to be playing their songs.  Like when you need to take extra measures in order to drive crows away from your garden or to hasten the end of some hostage crisis.  Gwen is attractive, if you go for the flat-chested, bitchy kinds of girls.  She seems liek the type of girls that would date you long enough to get a couple of free movies out of the deal.  Her voice leaves little to be desired and the way she mangles classic songs in order to create her pop ‘masterpieces’ can induce dry heaves.  (Did we really need to hear a rewrite of ‘If I Were A Rich Man’?)

Knut the Polar Bear Cub: Freak of the Week

HE IS BOUND TO BE THE CUTEST THING THAT YOU FIND IN GERMANY

I had not planned to have Knut the polar bear cub as my Freak of the Week.  Originally, I wanted to skewer White House spokesman, Tony Snow.  Then the rat-bastard announced he was going in for surgery on Monday for the removal of what may turn out to be a cancerous growth in his abdomen.  I won’t deny having wished ill on the man after watching a few of his press conferences, but I know not to kick someone if they are down.  As soon as he is healthy, the gloves will be coming off.

American Idol Season 6: Round Two

AND THEN THERE WERE TEN….

Tuesday night on American Idol, the British ‘invaded,’ bringing all of those songs we have to hear during Beatles documentaries because licensing fees for real Lennon/McCartney songs are too expensive.  Presiding over the coaching segments were the eternally-boyish Peter Noone and Lulu (who looks more like Olivia Newton-John these days than Olivia does.)  Is it just me or are these theme weeks starting to eerily parallel the special programs PBS likes to bust out during its pledge drives? 

As you can imagine, putting the responsibility of choosing songs from the ‘British Invasion’ on the shoulders of kids who barely remember ‘grunge’ music evoked a collective ‘meh’ from America.  There were a few standout performances from the usual suspects; overall, the week seemed forced and more than a bit stale.  The most shocking moment came when the self-professed record industry guru, Simon Cowell, admitted he was unfamiliar with the Gerry and the Pacemakers classic ‘Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying.’   (Shame on you Simon. You started the week claiming to be a bigger force in music than Bruce Springsteen and then only managed to make it until Tuesday before diplaying your utter ignorance.)

Paul McCartney Has A Latte To Live Up To

U.S. COFFEE GIANT LURES EX-BEATLE AWAY FROM CAPITOL RECORDS

Paul McCartney aims to relaunch his relatively stagnant solo career by signing with the new joint record label formed by Starbucks and the Concord Music Group.  He is the first major artist to join Hear Music, which was formed earlier this month following a string of successful releases marketed through the coffee chain.  It marks the end of McCartney’s long relationship with Capitol Records and unavoidably highlights the difficulties record companies have faced in recent years.  We should have guessed he would couple with a coffee distributor, since that has been his hair-dye color of choice in recent years.

Valerie Plame: Freak of the Week

In the short history of this blog, one thing has become glaringly obvious each time I have designated a ’Freak of the Week’: the lack of a woman amongst the names I have picked.  Were men somehow more worthy of the title? I don’t believe so.  They just seemed to show up in a few more precarious situations than women appeared to, from week to week.  Today, after I saw the news coming out of Washington, D.C., I was moved to act in the interest of all female freaks (and I don’t mean a ‘Rick James’ kind of freak.)  I have decided to award this illustrious title to the person that has helped expose the utter selfishness and myopia that characterizes the Bush White House.  

After four long years, the woman at the center of the controversy White House aid Scooter Libby tried to cover up, had her chance to speak on Capitol Hill.  Ex-CIA operative, Valerie Plame, is not just your ordinary black-suited ‘G-man’; she looks like Sharon Stone with a set of Jerry Lewis’ Nutty Professor teeth.  Apparently, she was too attractive for the neo-cons to care whether or not her covert status was compromised when they pushed for the 2003 Iraqi invasion.  It is a shame men in charge of our country allow their personal <ahem> shortcomings to keep them from making sound policy decisions.

American Idol Season 6: Round One

ONE DOWN AND TEN TO GO…THE REAL ELIMINATIONS BEGIN!

After enduring a less than memorable week of Diana Ross songs, America whittled the twelve finalists down to eleven.  Most viewers may have been wishing for Sanjaya Malakar’s exit; honestly, any of the bottom three contestants could have gone home without any objections from this observer.

Obviously, Sanjaya is horrible, just not horrible enough to get kicked off this early.  He looks like someone you would sponsor through Save The Children, not the next American Idol.  Any stage presence he may possess is glaringly absent whenever he performs.  Even the judges have a hard time justifying his place in the top twelve.  Randy can’t stop laughing about his hair; Paula struggles to slur even the slightest compliment; and Simon simply shakes his inflated head in disgust.  Hate him or despise him; Sanjaya’s perseverance can be credited to a couple of reasons.

American Idol’s audience consists of a lot of families.  With those families come young girls, who (predictably) fall for the pretty hair and puerile charms of someone like Sanjaya.  Good or bad, you cannot ignore that part of the audience and the power it welds.  It won’t be strong enough (god willing) to get him to the very end.  If previous seasons can be used as a gage, you can expect to see him around a lot longer than you probably want to.  I will choose to follow Randy Jackson’s lead and keep my expectations focused on Sanjaya’s hairstyle choices. 

Oprah’s Tough Love?

HOW NEEDY IS TOO NEEDY?

According to News24.com’s Gavin Prins, family members are unhappy with the strict rules imposed upon students attending the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls (located near Johannesburg, South Africa.)  What the hell are they bitching about?

If I am not mistaken, the whole thrust of this endeavour was to bring opportunities to a generation of girls (mainly in Africa) who have next to none.  Most of the students that attend the academy come from families with one or more members dealing with HIV/AIDS.   Many live in abject poverty and have little to look forward to on a continent still reeling from hundreds of years of European ‘intervention.’

Eddie Van Halen: Freak of the Week

CAN SOBRIETY SAVE THIS GUITAR HERO? 

The history of rock and roll is filled with the ups and downs experienced by the artists who make the music we love.  Their failures are just as important as their success; they serve as integral parts of the fabric of rock music and add to its draw.  Pick up any biography written about your favorite rock group or artist and dive into a world where backstage dramas, unforeseen tragedies, embarrassing clothing and hair-styles, and bad business decisions rule.  Quite often, the most talented folks who burst on to the music scene leave us too soon.  The rest of them get to hang around long enough to self-destruct in front of our eyes.  Yet their music persists and concert venues continue to fill up with fans who choose to come along for the torturous ride.   

This week’s installment of Freak of the Week features a man that many people would consider one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time.  Eddie Van Halen, 52, was born in the Netherlands, but his family moved to Pasadena, California when he was seven.  Originally trained as a pianist, Eddie started to play the drums along with his older brother, Alex, who played guitar.  Once Alex proved to be the better drummer, Eddie switched to the guitar and the rest was rock and roll history.