American Idol Season Six: Round Eight

AMERICA GETS IT RIGHT AND SENDS CHRIS AND (PHINALLY!) PHIL PACKING

Vacation and indifference have kept my Idol commentaries off of these pages for almost a month.  To date, this season has been a bit of a bore for me, offering very few of what I would consider to be stand-out performances.  I would be lying if I claimed that I did not miss Sanjaya.  That kid brought the kind of excitement one only finds watching videos on a TV show about car wrecks.  Unfortunately, by the time he butchered Bonnie Raitt’s ‘Something To Talk About’, you could tell his heart just wasn’t in it anymore and America happily put him out of his misery.  For those in need of a Sanjaya fix, don’t forget that there’s always the live tour to look forward to…

Then there was ‘Idol Gives Back’ week, which I would prefer to call ‘Idol Makes Me Nauseous’ week.  Not only did they waste my time with pointless performances (Annie Lennox butchering Simon and Garfunkel? An Elvis and Celine Dion duet?) they failed to kick someone off the show.  I cheered like a drunk boob at a baseball game when I mistakenly thought Jordin was going home. Man was I pissed when that didn’t come true.  My only hope (at that time) was that her demise was simply going to be delayed a week.  Oh well…

Eddie Van Halen, Happy and Healthy?

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME’S NEWEST INDUCTEE EMERGES FROM REHAB

What a difference rehab, a queer makeover, and some new teeth can do for a down and out guitar hero.  One of our favorite ‘Freaks of the Week’ seems to finally be getting his act together.  Judge for yourselves by watching these YouTube videos:

American Idol Season 6: Round Four - The Aftermath

AMERICA SAYS ‘SO LONG’ TO THE GIRL THAT (SORT OF) ROCKED

I wish I could say Sanjaya was the worst part of American Idol this season.  Overall, the show just seems to be going through the motions as the weeks crawl by.  Instead of coming up with new ideas for the theme weeks, they rename them with a performer associated with that style and hope you are dumb enough not to notice. Nice try! As sad as it was to see Gina Glocksen go, I believe she has enough talent to make it beyond the shackles of the competition.

Tony Bennett was a no-show for his performance due to a rather convenient case of the flu, leaving us to suffer through a poor (and possibly drunk) Canadian substitute named Michael Bublé.  He warbled through “Call Me Irresponsible”, sounding like  Harry Connick Jr.  after a few too many Hurricanes and seemingly forgetting the words towards the end.  He even managed to make an unfunny joke about still voting  for ‘internet model’ Antonella Barba before leaving the stage.  I just hope someone called him a cab. 

Sanjaya Malakar: Freak of the Week

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SACRIFICIAL CANARY IN OUR CULTURAL COAL MINE

Love him or hate him, it’s still an obsession.                                                                   Love him or hate him, that is the question.

Let me begin by saying this award goes beyond our least favorite contestant on American Idol.  It is not just for Sanjaya, it is also meant for his fans, and his most vocal detractors.  For me, the tidal wave of hate and controversy that has apparently engulfed this year’s American Idol represents everything that is wrong with America’s popular culture in this earliest part of the 21st century.

Here we are in 2007, with all of the accoutrements (sans the flying cars) that one would have expected to see in the two-thousand aughties.  There are tiny phones on our hips, that act as computers, televisions and stereos; big screen, hi-definition TVs in our living rooms (for the rare occasions we get to be at home); and an endless supply of distractions that can be found on the world wide web and across the plethora of channels we can enjoy.  We claim to be in touch with each other more than ever before,  but we really just isolate ourselves in the sterile world that technology has afforded us. 

The Results - American Idol Season 6: Round Three

AMERICA SENDS THE ‘BIG-BONED’ GUY HOME, KEEPS YOU-KNOW-WHO SAFE

At least one of the bad singers with annoying hair got to go home Wednesday night.  Chris Sligh, who started the season with such promise and a sense of humor, was sent packing after the votes were finally tallied this week.  It leads me to believe that I am not the only person that grew tired of his excuses and mediocre performances. 

American Idol Season 6: Round Three

THE IDOL HOPEFULS TACKLE ‘POP MUSIC’ WITH MIXED RESULTS

This week, I have decided to address the performances before the results are announced.  It allows me an opportunity to critique the performers without knowing whether or not the voters agreed with my assessments. Plus, it gives me something to write about on a slow Wednesday.

You will never find me listening to Gwen Stefani, or her band No Doubt, unless I have a reason to be playing their songs.  Like when you need to take extra measures in order to drive crows away from your garden or to hasten the end of some hostage crisis.  Gwen is attractive, if you go for the flat-chested, bitchy kinds of girls.  She seems liek the type of girls that would date you long enough to get a couple of free movies out of the deal.  Her voice leaves little to be desired and the way she mangles classic songs in order to create her pop ‘masterpieces’ can induce dry heaves.  (Did we really need to hear a rewrite of ‘If I Were A Rich Man’?)

American Idol Season 6: Round Two

AND THEN THERE WERE TEN….

Tuesday night on American Idol, the British ‘invaded,’ bringing all of those songs we have to hear during Beatles documentaries because licensing fees for real Lennon/McCartney songs are too expensive.  Presiding over the coaching segments were the eternally-boyish Peter Noone and Lulu (who looks more like Olivia Newton-John these days than Olivia does.)  Is it just me or are these theme weeks starting to eerily parallel the special programs PBS likes to bust out during its pledge drives? 

As you can imagine, putting the responsibility of choosing songs from the ‘British Invasion’ on the shoulders of kids who barely remember ‘grunge’ music evoked a collective ‘meh’ from America.  There were a few standout performances from the usual suspects; overall, the week seemed forced and more than a bit stale.  The most shocking moment came when the self-professed record industry guru, Simon Cowell, admitted he was unfamiliar with the Gerry and the Pacemakers classic ‘Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying.’   (Shame on you Simon. You started the week claiming to be a bigger force in music than Bruce Springsteen and then only managed to make it until Tuesday before diplaying your utter ignorance.)

Paul McCartney Has A Latte To Live Up To

U.S. COFFEE GIANT LURES EX-BEATLE AWAY FROM CAPITOL RECORDS

Paul McCartney aims to relaunch his relatively stagnant solo career by signing with the new joint record label formed by Starbucks and the Concord Music Group.  He is the first major artist to join Hear Music, which was formed earlier this month following a string of successful releases marketed through the coffee chain.  It marks the end of McCartney’s long relationship with Capitol Records and unavoidably highlights the difficulties record companies have faced in recent years.  We should have guessed he would couple with a coffee distributor, since that has been his hair-dye color of choice in recent years.

American Idol Season 6: Round One

ONE DOWN AND TEN TO GO…THE REAL ELIMINATIONS BEGIN!

After enduring a less than memorable week of Diana Ross songs, America whittled the twelve finalists down to eleven.  Most viewers may have been wishing for Sanjaya Malakar’s exit; honestly, any of the bottom three contestants could have gone home without any objections from this observer.

Obviously, Sanjaya is horrible, just not horrible enough to get kicked off this early.  He looks like someone you would sponsor through Save The Children, not the next American Idol.  Any stage presence he may possess is glaringly absent whenever he performs.  Even the judges have a hard time justifying his place in the top twelve.  Randy can’t stop laughing about his hair; Paula struggles to slur even the slightest compliment; and Simon simply shakes his inflated head in disgust.  Hate him or despise him; Sanjaya’s perseverance can be credited to a couple of reasons.

American Idol’s audience consists of a lot of families.  With those families come young girls, who (predictably) fall for the pretty hair and puerile charms of someone like Sanjaya.  Good or bad, you cannot ignore that part of the audience and the power it welds.  It won’t be strong enough (god willing) to get him to the very end.  If previous seasons can be used as a gage, you can expect to see him around a lot longer than you probably want to.  I will choose to follow Randy Jackson’s lead and keep my expectations focused on Sanjaya’s hairstyle choices. 

Eddie Van Halen: Freak of the Week

CAN SOBRIETY SAVE THIS GUITAR HERO? 

The history of rock and roll is filled with the ups and downs experienced by the artists who make the music we love.  Their failures are just as important as their success; they serve as integral parts of the fabric of rock music and add to its draw.  Pick up any biography written about your favorite rock group or artist and dive into a world where backstage dramas, unforeseen tragedies, embarrassing clothing and hair-styles, and bad business decisions rule.  Quite often, the most talented folks who burst on to the music scene leave us too soon.  The rest of them get to hang around long enough to self-destruct in front of our eyes.  Yet their music persists and concert venues continue to fill up with fans who choose to come along for the torturous ride.   

This week’s installment of Freak of the Week features a man that many people would consider one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time.  Eddie Van Halen, 52, was born in the Netherlands, but his family moved to Pasadena, California when he was seven.  Originally trained as a pianist, Eddie started to play the drums along with his older brother, Alex, who played guitar.  Once Alex proved to be the better drummer, Eddie switched to the guitar and the rest was rock and roll history.