American Idol Season Six: Round Eight

AMERICA GETS IT RIGHT AND SENDS CHRIS AND (PHINALLY!) PHIL PACKING

Vacation and indifference have kept my Idol commentaries off of these pages for almost a month.  To date, this season has been a bit of a bore for me, offering very few of what I would consider to be stand-out performances.  I would be lying if I claimed that I did not miss Sanjaya.  That kid brought the kind of excitement one only finds watching videos on a TV show about car wrecks.  Unfortunately, by the time he butchered Bonnie Raitt’s ‘Something To Talk About’, you could tell his heart just wasn’t in it anymore and America happily put him out of his misery.  For those in need of a Sanjaya fix, don’t forget that there’s always the live tour to look forward to…

Then there was ‘Idol Gives Back’ week, which I would prefer to call ‘Idol Makes Me Nauseous’ week.  Not only did they waste my time with pointless performances (Annie Lennox butchering Simon and Garfunkel? An Elvis and Celine Dion duet?) they failed to kick someone off the show.  I cheered like a drunk boob at a baseball game when I mistakenly thought Jordin was going home. Man was I pissed when that didn’t come true.  My only hope (at that time) was that her demise was simply going to be delayed a week.  Oh well…

Eddie Van Halen, Happy and Healthy?

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME’S NEWEST INDUCTEE EMERGES FROM REHAB

What a difference rehab, a queer makeover, and some new teeth can do for a down and out guitar hero.  One of our favorite ‘Freaks of the Week’ seems to finally be getting his act together.  Judge for yourselves by watching these YouTube videos:

Artie Lange Death Watch

HOWARD STERN’S FUNNYMAN IS A TICKING TIME BOMB  

I happened to catch Artie Lange on a rerun of Conan O’Brien last night and could hardly believe my eyes.   To say he looked unhealthy would be an understatement.   Anyone who believes that cocaine makes a person slim only needs to see the shape Artie is in these days to know how completely untrue that belief is.  Looking at the picture I have added above brings to mind the late Chris Farley and John Belushi.  Frankly, Artie looks like he is about to burst. 

Don Imus: Freak of the Week

HOW MANY TIMES CAN THIS GUY PISS OFF THE BLACK COMMUNITY?

                  

Let me set things up by going back to a transcript of what went down on last week’s Imus In The Morning show…

American Idol Season 6: Round Four - The Aftermath

AMERICA SAYS ‘SO LONG’ TO THE GIRL THAT (SORT OF) ROCKED

I wish I could say Sanjaya was the worst part of American Idol this season.  Overall, the show just seems to be going through the motions as the weeks crawl by.  Instead of coming up with new ideas for the theme weeks, they rename them with a performer associated with that style and hope you are dumb enough not to notice. Nice try! As sad as it was to see Gina Glocksen go, I believe she has enough talent to make it beyond the shackles of the competition.

Tony Bennett was a no-show for his performance due to a rather convenient case of the flu, leaving us to suffer through a poor (and possibly drunk) Canadian substitute named Michael Bublé.  He warbled through “Call Me Irresponsible”, sounding like  Harry Connick Jr.  after a few too many Hurricanes and seemingly forgetting the words towards the end.  He even managed to make an unfunny joke about still voting  for ‘internet model’ Antonella Barba before leaving the stage.  I just hope someone called him a cab. 

American Idol Season 6: Round Three

THE IDOL HOPEFULS TACKLE ‘POP MUSIC’ WITH MIXED RESULTS

This week, I have decided to address the performances before the results are announced.  It allows me an opportunity to critique the performers without knowing whether or not the voters agreed with my assessments. Plus, it gives me something to write about on a slow Wednesday.

You will never find me listening to Gwen Stefani, or her band No Doubt, unless I have a reason to be playing their songs.  Like when you need to take extra measures in order to drive crows away from your garden or to hasten the end of some hostage crisis.  Gwen is attractive, if you go for the flat-chested, bitchy kinds of girls.  She seems liek the type of girls that would date you long enough to get a couple of free movies out of the deal.  Her voice leaves little to be desired and the way she mangles classic songs in order to create her pop ‘masterpieces’ can induce dry heaves.  (Did we really need to hear a rewrite of ‘If I Were A Rich Man’?)

Paul McCartney Has A Latte To Live Up To

U.S. COFFEE GIANT LURES EX-BEATLE AWAY FROM CAPITOL RECORDS

Paul McCartney aims to relaunch his relatively stagnant solo career by signing with the new joint record label formed by Starbucks and the Concord Music Group.  He is the first major artist to join Hear Music, which was formed earlier this month following a string of successful releases marketed through the coffee chain.  It marks the end of McCartney’s long relationship with Capitol Records and unavoidably highlights the difficulties record companies have faced in recent years.  We should have guessed he would couple with a coffee distributor, since that has been his hair-dye color of choice in recent years.

Eddie Van Halen: Freak of the Week

CAN SOBRIETY SAVE THIS GUITAR HERO? 

The history of rock and roll is filled with the ups and downs experienced by the artists who make the music we love.  Their failures are just as important as their success; they serve as integral parts of the fabric of rock music and add to its draw.  Pick up any biography written about your favorite rock group or artist and dive into a world where backstage dramas, unforeseen tragedies, embarrassing clothing and hair-styles, and bad business decisions rule.  Quite often, the most talented folks who burst on to the music scene leave us too soon.  The rest of them get to hang around long enough to self-destruct in front of our eyes.  Yet their music persists and concert venues continue to fill up with fans who choose to come along for the torturous ride.   

This week’s installment of Freak of the Week features a man that many people would consider one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time.  Eddie Van Halen, 52, was born in the Netherlands, but his family moved to Pasadena, California when he was seven.  Originally trained as a pianist, Eddie started to play the drums along with his older brother, Alex, who played guitar.  Once Alex proved to be the better drummer, Eddie switched to the guitar and the rest was rock and roll history.

Wii Have A Problem…

I hope the folks over at Sacramento’s KDND radio are proud of what they have accomplished.  In an age where radio stations are struggling to stay afloat, it seems the poor judgement of a few individuals may have placed one of the final nails in broadcast radio’s coffin. 

Between the overwhelming competition brought on by iPods and satellite radio providers, good ole ‘over-the-air’ (or free) radio has been up against the ropes for quite some time.  Unfortunately, in the quest for prime Arbitron ratings, listener welfare took a back burner to the excitement and draw of stunt broadcasting. It’s a shame, I so loved radio in my youth.  Now I find myself asking,”Is old radio worth keeping afloat if it means someone may die just to justify its bloated advertising rates?”

To no ones surprise, the family of victim Jennifer Lee Strange has decided to sue the radio station that promoted the “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” contest.  I wish them the best in court but fully acknowledge that no amount of money can make up for their loss.  A high-profile case like this will only bring intense scrutiny to radio’s standards and practices, higher insurance premiums for broadcasters, and calls for overhauling the entire industry. 

It’s a shame that the monopolization of radio ownership (and the subsequent sanitization of radio’s content) that overtook broadcasting in the late 1990s happened without these same cries for legislative reform and oversight.  Those acts may very well have prevented this entire tragedy from occurring in the first place. 

While it’s too late save Jennifer Strange from her tragic fate, we may still have a chance to save radio from its impending (and graceless) demise.