Eddie Van Halen, Happy and Healthy?

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME’S NEWEST INDUCTEE EMERGES FROM REHAB

What a difference rehab, a queer makeover, and some new teeth can do for a down and out guitar hero.  One of our favorite ‘Freaks of the Week’ seems to finally be getting his act together.  Judge for yourselves by watching these YouTube videos:

Artie Lange Death Watch

HOWARD STERN’S FUNNYMAN IS A TICKING TIME BOMB  

I happened to catch Artie Lange on a rerun of Conan O’Brien last night and could hardly believe my eyes.   To say he looked unhealthy would be an understatement.   Anyone who believes that cocaine makes a person slim only needs to see the shape Artie is in these days to know how completely untrue that belief is.  Looking at the picture I have added above brings to mind the late Chris Farley and John Belushi.  Frankly, Artie looks like he is about to burst. 

We’re Back!

After a two-week hiatus, the freak show is back in town. 

I didn’t miss anything important, did I?

Don Imus: Freak of the Week

HOW MANY TIMES CAN THIS GUY PISS OFF THE BLACK COMMUNITY?

                  

Let me set things up by going back to a transcript of what went down on last week’s Imus In The Morning show…

The Naughty Fireman

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN OHIO THESE DAYS? 

Ladies and gentleman, meet Steven S. Cole; volunteer firefighter, father of three, service manager for a farm implement company, and possibly the world’s worst transvestite.  He was arrested this past Tuesday in a public park wearing a striped, multi-colored bikini, a blond wig and diamond-like belly-button stud.  His boobs consisted of two yellow water balloons–nice!

Police were alerted to this bizarre incident by a Mr. Troy Harphant, who was at Heritage Oak Park in Mason, Ohio with his wife and their 6 year-old daughter.  “It was like this freak show,” Harphant told the Cincinnati Enquirer. “I was a little taken by surprise by what I’d seen there. It was out of place with what should have been going on over there, that’s for sure.” You can download the 911 call here and hear it for yourself.

American Idol Season 6: Round Four – The Aftermath

AMERICA SAYS ‘SO LONG’ TO THE GIRL THAT (SORT OF) ROCKED

I wish I could say Sanjaya was the worst part of American Idol this season.  Overall, the show just seems to be going through the motions as the weeks crawl by.  Instead of coming up with new ideas for the theme weeks, they rename them with a performer associated with that style and hope you are dumb enough not to notice. Nice try! As sad as it was to see Gina Glocksen go, I believe she has enough talent to make it beyond the shackles of the competition.

Tony Bennett was a no-show for his performance due to a rather convenient case of the flu, leaving us to suffer through a poor (and possibly drunk) Canadian substitute named Michael Bublé.  He warbled through “Call Me Irresponsible”, sounding like  Harry Connick Jr.  after a few too many Hurricanes and seemingly forgetting the words towards the end.  He even managed to make an unfunny joke about still voting  for ‘internet model’ Antonella Barba before leaving the stage.  I just hope someone called him a cab. 

Sanjaya Malakar: Freak of the Week

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SACRIFICIAL CANARY IN OUR CULTURAL COAL MINE

Love him or hate him, it’s still an obsession.                                                                   Love him or hate him, that is the question.

Let me begin by saying this award goes beyond our least favorite contestant on American Idol.  It is not just for Sanjaya, it is also meant for his fans, and his most vocal detractors.  For me, the tidal wave of hate and controversy that has apparently engulfed this year’s American Idol represents everything that is wrong with America’s popular culture in this earliest part of the 21st century.

Here we are in 2007, with all of the accoutrements (sans the flying cars) that one would have expected to see in the two-thousand aughties.  There are tiny phones on our hips, that act as computers, televisions and stereos; big screen, hi-definition TVs in our living rooms (for the rare occasions we get to be at home); and an endless supply of distractions that can be found on the world wide web and across the plethora of channels we can enjoy.  We claim to be in touch with each other more than ever before,  but we really just isolate ourselves in the sterile world that technology has afforded us. 

Separated At Birth? (Iran Hostage Edition)

HAVE THE IRANIANS CAPTURED MR. SEXYBACK?

          Justin Timberlake                       R. M. Nathan Summers

An international hostage crisis is no laughing matter. Especially when the hostage takers are acting on behalf of a crazy man like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Just because the middle east seemingly teeters on the brink of war doesn’t mean we can’t take a break for a small amount of levity.

I can’t be the only one to notice the eerie resemblance between Justin Timberlake and the Royal Marine that was featured in the most recent videotaped message from the British hostages.  Can you imagine the made for TV movie featuring Mr. Timberlake, horrible fake British accent and all?  It’s too bad the female hostage doesn’t look like Britney Spears.  Otherwise, with some smart casting, we could have seen an on-screen reunion of pop music’s super couple.

  

The Results – American Idol Season 6: Round Three

AMERICA SENDS THE ‘BIG-BONED’ GUY HOME, KEEPS YOU-KNOW-WHO SAFE

At least one of the bad singers with annoying hair got to go home Wednesday night.  Chris Sligh, who started the season with such promise and a sense of humor, was sent packing after the votes were finally tallied this week.  It leads me to believe that I am not the only person that grew tired of his excuses and mediocre performances. 

American Idol Season 6: Round Three

THE IDOL HOPEFULS TACKLE ‘POP MUSIC’ WITH MIXED RESULTS

This week, I have decided to address the performances before the results are announced.  It allows me an opportunity to critique the performers without knowing whether or not the voters agreed with my assessments. Plus, it gives me something to write about on a slow Wednesday.

You will never find me listening to Gwen Stefani, or her band No Doubt, unless I have a reason to be playing their songs.  Like when you need to take extra measures in order to drive crows away from your garden or to hasten the end of some hostage crisis.  Gwen is attractive, if you go for the flat-chested, bitchy kinds of girls.  She seems liek the type of girls that would date you long enough to get a couple of free movies out of the deal.  Her voice leaves little to be desired and the way she mangles classic songs in order to create her pop ‘masterpieces’ can induce dry heaves.  (Did we really need to hear a rewrite of ‘If I Were A Rich Man’?)