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Artie Lange Death Watch

April 24, 2007


I happened to catch Artie Lange on a rerun of Conan O’Brien last night and could hardly believe my eyes.   To say he looked unhealthy would be an understatement.   Anyone who believes that cocaine makes a person slim only needs to see the shape Artie is in these days to know how completely untrue that belief is.  Looking at the picture I have added above brings to mind the late Chris Farley and John Belushi.  Frankly, Artie looks like he is about to burst. 

If I were his family, and it was even remotely possible, I would take out an insurance policy on the man and cash in on his inevitable passing.  No one can do this much damage to his body and expect to live another five years.  If he doesn’t die within that time period,  scientists should isolate whatever gene he possesses to make his survival possible and create a wonder-drug for fat people. 

You look at that old picture of Artie and can’t help but think, “Was he really that thin?”  It’s not that he was thin to begin with, it is the fact that he is so deathly obese now it makes his old self look relatively healthy in comparison.  Any person on Howard’s staff that doesn’t have Artie as their pick in the ‘Death Pool’ is an imbecile.  I would never wish death upon anyone (even my worst enemy) but you can’t deny that Artie is bound to go any day now if he insists on remaining at this weight.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. May 21, 2007 6:24 am


    We have had a death pool over at Save Baby Gorilla for a bit now..

  2. hoopskidoodle permalink
    January 13, 2008 1:56 am

    You do know, by his own admission, that his 2005 svelteness was courtesy of cocaine, yes?

  3. The Gapster permalink
    January 15, 2008 10:41 am

    Yeah Artie has really turned into a fat fuck and to add insult to injury he was slammin Bubba for being a fat fuck and that Bubba can’t even wipe his own ass anymore.

  4. justin greiwe permalink
    March 11, 2008 9:43 am

    in 05 he was doing cocaine dumbass thats why hes so much thinner then than he is now that he has stopped

  5. Shazam permalink
    March 11, 2009 10:50 am

    Artie, C’mon. There’s one life to Live!
    get healthy & be with Dana.


  6. July 10, 2009 7:56 pm

    Ummm…he’s uninsurable. or didn’t you realize that? Over at Artie Lange Death Pool they say nobody wants to see somebody win the pool. That would NOT be true of me. I’ll be delighted to see this drug addicted untalented loser fat tub of shit go-the sooner the better.

  7. January 4, 2010 9:27 pm

    Artie is now in the hospital (01-04-10) and nobody is says exactly what happened. His tour dates have been cancelled and nobody is sure when he’ll be back on the Stern show.

  8. PassHerBy permalink
    January 19, 2010 8:57 am

    Police say he attempted suicide with a 13 inch blade. Nine stab wounds were stitched up after he was found unconscious, but breathing, by his mother. Poor guy.

  9. January 20, 2010 7:58 pm

    When I originally posted this (almost three years ago) it was out of love for the man. I felt we didn’t need another Belushi or Farley episode in the comedy world. With this latest developement in his life I can only hope for the best.

    Hey Artie, we’ll be waiting for you when you come back.


  1. artie lange sucide | Badminton Holic
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