Artie Lange Death Watch
HOWARD STERN’S FUNNYMAN IS A TICKING TIME BOMB
I happened to catch Artie Lange on a rerun of Conan O’Brien last night and could hardly believe my eyes. To say he looked unhealthy would be an understatement. Anyone who believes that cocaine makes a person slim only needs to see the shape Artie is in these days to know how completely untrue that belief is. Looking at the picture I have added above brings to mind the late Chris Farley and John Belushi. Frankly, Artie looks like he is about to burst.
If I were his family, and it was even remotely possible, I would take out an insurance policy on the man and cash in on his inevitable passing. No one can do this much damage to his body and expect to live another five years. If he doesn’t die within that time period, scientists should isolate whatever gene he possesses to make his survival possible and create a wonder-drug for fat people.
You look at that old picture of Artie and can’t help but think, “Was he really that thin?” It’s not that he was thin to begin with, it is the fact that he is so deathly obese now it makes his old self look relatively healthy in comparison. Any person on Howard’s staff that doesn’t have Artie as their pick in the ‘Death Pool’ is an imbecile. I would never wish death upon anyone (even my worst enemy) but you can’t deny that Artie is bound to go any day now if he insists on remaining at this weight.